Let’s be honest there is a lot going on in midlife. So many areas of our lives, relationships, even our health can be in fluctuation. It can be stressful. Much of it may be unexpected or unknown how it will work out. While much of it is beyond our control how much it hurts or worries us or stresses us out IS within our control. Really, even when it involves other peoples choices. Even if we feel like there’s nothing we can do about it. We can still find peace.
Here’s how: The pain is in the perception.
So often when we are in emotional or mental distress the pain is a result of our perception of the situation more than the situation itself. It’s how we are seeing it, our thoughts about it more that the actual circumstance.
I’m talking day to day situations. Clashing with a family member, other’s choices you may not love or understand, our health, money issues, overwhelm, etc.
Let me share a real example from Stephen Covey’s well known 7 Habits of Highly effective People. Do you know the story about the disruptive kids on the subway?
He was thinking of their dad as irresponsible and uncaring about the other people on the subway. He felt agitated, offended, frustrated…painful, uncomfortable emotions. Yet when he spoke up and said something to the children’s father and learned their mom had just died and they didn’t really know how to handle it, everything changed for him!
Now here’s the key-the circumstance was exactly the same. The kids were still being disruptive. BUT everything changed for Stephen Covey. Suddenly he felt empathy, compassion, love. WHY? His perception changed. The rowdy kids (the situation) were never causing his pain. His thoughts about them were and when his thoughts changed his feelings changed.
This is true in every situation. We believe the source of our pain is money or stress or our spouse or child or health. And while there are often real problems there, there is also often a lot of perception, thoughts, insecurities and judgement. Which may or may not be helpful or even true.
If we will look at those first and throw out any false, messy or unhelpful thoughts much of the problem may be solved right there. If there’s still an issue at least we are in a much more clear place to decide how to proceed!
Here’s a simple way to recognize when your perspective might be affecting how you’re feeling.
Are you feeling judgmental? Defensive? Does this situation feel like it means something about you, your worth, or whether you’ve done something wrong? These can all be clues that your perspective is playing a role in how you’re experiencing the situation.
Another clue? When you can’t simply be curious and ask, “Hey, can you help me understand?”
Remember Stephen Covey’s story? The situation on the subway didn’t change. The kids were still being disruptive. But when he learned what was really going on, his perspective changed instantly. He went from frustration and judgment to empathy and compassion.
Sometimes, all it takes is a little curiosity and a willingness to consider that there might be more to the story than we realize.
Give it a try. The next time you’re experiencing painful or uncomfortable emotions, pause for a moment and consider your thoughts and perspective. Get curious. Ask yourself what you might be assuming, and whether there might be another way to see the situation. Maybe put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see it from their perspective.
You may not be able to change the circumstances, but you might be surprised by how much can change when you change the way you see the situation. Give it a try. Next time you are experiencing painful or uncomfortable emotions pause for a second and consider your thoughts and perception and how it’s playing into your feelings.
If you want to learn more about this check out a video I made going into more detail and examples. Watch it here
